This might be my favorite episode yet. So timely on a society level with the upcoming election and so needed on a personal level to change internal assumptions to affect external change. I laughed, I almost cried, and I definitely weirded out the other treadmill runners at the Y while listening. 🙌
Thank you, Veronica! Truly love that we made it so you weirded out other treadmill runners at the Y. I am putting this on my unofficial resume...the one that really matters.
This was super interesting but as someone who could really use some help, and who has spent a ton of time researching how to help, the last bit on "just ask for help when you need it" rings very hollow. Literature on grief often reminds us that people deep in mourning do not know what they need and cannot think clearly enough to ask for support. The mutual in mutual aid requires us to think of those who may not yet have the ability to ask for help or who may have isolated due to overwhelm and step in anyway. As Nora McInerney (@noraborealis) has said, there's a Venn Diagram of help and what you can do is found in the overlap between what you can do/what you're good at and what you will do (ie don't make promises you can't keep). Waiting to be asked for help places the mental load onto the person in need and results, often, not in shame for them but in isolation.
Hi Courtney, I really appreciate you saying this. I haven't listened to the interview, so not sure how it comes off, but I can tell you my intention was only to explain that when I started asking neighbors if I could send my kids over their house at various points when I needed childcare last minute, or pick-up my kids from school, they started asking me for the same more often. Sometimes I think I have been afraid to ask for this particular kind of help because it would mean revealing that I am not together-- these are moments when I forgot or failed to get a babysitter one night, or screwed up our schedule and therefore nobody could get our kids at school. But when I started to worry less about putting my messy self in public, and asking for this kind of help, then other parents in my community started feeling more comfortable asking me for help in a pinch, and revealing their messy selves. Overall, these aren't moments when I am in emotional distress, but instead when I fucked practical things up and need coverage for our kids.
I certainly don't think asking for help is simple overall, and for sure there are many moments when we don't know what we need or don't have the bandwidth to ask for it, emotionally or otherwise. I have definitely been there. And when my friends are down I don't wait to be asked for help, but instead give them very concrete ideas of what I can and want to do for them. I'm with you on this. <3
Great points all around! The difficulty of asking for help when you need it most, and the vulnerability of that, is an important point, Courtney. I thought of Elissa's mention of it as a helpful compliment to this idea that we need to be offering help all the time, which I do kind of fervently. But I'm less comfortable asking for help for myself. My friends who have dealt with deep grief or long illness taught me a lot about that in my own long-term illness last year and I wish I'd had those skills when I was postpartum, though you are right that I might have been too depressed and embarrassed to use them.
This might be my favorite episode yet. So timely on a society level with the upcoming election and so needed on a personal level to change internal assumptions to affect external change. I laughed, I almost cried, and I definitely weirded out the other treadmill runners at the Y while listening. 🙌
Thank you, Veronica! Truly love that we made it so you weirded out other treadmill runners at the Y. I am putting this on my unofficial resume...the one that really matters.
Take care! Give care!
Elissa
Thanks Veronica!
It is so wonderful to hear this! Thank you Veronica! The internal stuff is so shockingly hard. Good luck out there!
This was super interesting but as someone who could really use some help, and who has spent a ton of time researching how to help, the last bit on "just ask for help when you need it" rings very hollow. Literature on grief often reminds us that people deep in mourning do not know what they need and cannot think clearly enough to ask for support. The mutual in mutual aid requires us to think of those who may not yet have the ability to ask for help or who may have isolated due to overwhelm and step in anyway. As Nora McInerney (@noraborealis) has said, there's a Venn Diagram of help and what you can do is found in the overlap between what you can do/what you're good at and what you will do (ie don't make promises you can't keep). Waiting to be asked for help places the mental load onto the person in need and results, often, not in shame for them but in isolation.
Hi Courtney, I really appreciate you saying this. I haven't listened to the interview, so not sure how it comes off, but I can tell you my intention was only to explain that when I started asking neighbors if I could send my kids over their house at various points when I needed childcare last minute, or pick-up my kids from school, they started asking me for the same more often. Sometimes I think I have been afraid to ask for this particular kind of help because it would mean revealing that I am not together-- these are moments when I forgot or failed to get a babysitter one night, or screwed up our schedule and therefore nobody could get our kids at school. But when I started to worry less about putting my messy self in public, and asking for this kind of help, then other parents in my community started feeling more comfortable asking me for help in a pinch, and revealing their messy selves. Overall, these aren't moments when I am in emotional distress, but instead when I fucked practical things up and need coverage for our kids.
I certainly don't think asking for help is simple overall, and for sure there are many moments when we don't know what we need or don't have the bandwidth to ask for it, emotionally or otherwise. I have definitely been there. And when my friends are down I don't wait to be asked for help, but instead give them very concrete ideas of what I can and want to do for them. I'm with you on this. <3
Great points all around! The difficulty of asking for help when you need it most, and the vulnerability of that, is an important point, Courtney. I thought of Elissa's mention of it as a helpful compliment to this idea that we need to be offering help all the time, which I do kind of fervently. But I'm less comfortable asking for help for myself. My friends who have dealt with deep grief or long illness taught me a lot about that in my own long-term illness last year and I wish I'd had those skills when I was postpartum, though you are right that I might have been too depressed and embarrassed to use them.